woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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