i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
my nose is crying tears of wow.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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