Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize