Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
