u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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