I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
