38 yer olds are good kisserssss
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
