On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize