someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
