I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
