Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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