I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
