You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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