please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
