11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
