just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
