I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
