Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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