Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
