I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Randomize
