the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
