i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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