Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
