So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
