dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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