she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
