You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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