I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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