as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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