I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Vodka?
Forever.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
