alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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