at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
