When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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