Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
