he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
