There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize