My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
