dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
