Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
