too bad you live with your parents still
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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