Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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