Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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