Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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