I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
NoShamevember. You game?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize