I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
