i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
