I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
