I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
