I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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