All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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