her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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