I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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