Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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