How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We got so high we made milksteak
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
