Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
