I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
