the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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