Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize