I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
