You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize