I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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