You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
