I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
